I don't know if I will ever post another entry on this blog, I have no plans or goals for it, I just need to talk, and maybe share my struggles with others in the same or similar situations. As probably everybody living with depression knows, having this disease is not like having diabetes or high blood pressure, there is a lot of prejudice and misconceptions about it, which makes our relationships with brain healthy people at work, and in our social lives difficult. I need understanding from people that truly gets how I feel. I am not a writer, nor English is my first language, so please forgive my writing.
The first time I was diagnosed with depression was 7 years ago. I had a lot of help from my mother and sister which I miss nowadays, even though I understand that it is important for me to deal with this on my own. I was on meds, and decided that did not need them anymore after 6 months (very dumb, I know!). I got better, and thought I had found all the emotional reasons for my depression and jumped on a crazy life changing decision: moving to a new country. It sounds nuts, but it was really good for me. I learned English, and how to take care of myself (for the most part) without depending on my mom for anything, including money, not that it was any different when I lived with her, since I payed for all the bills in my house, but I just need you to understand the level of independence!
I met a boy 5 years ago. I fell in love with him pretty soon after we kissed, and started my journey on learning how to deal with a very non-emotional guy. I mean VERY. He has made me so happy these last 5 years, more than I have ever been in my entire life, however a lot of times I don't have the support I need for my disease. Not because he is bad, or doesn't care. I think it is because he does not understand, and also does not have any caring instincts. Even when I am sick with something physical he has a hard time making me comfortable.
So, my brain does not work the way the last paragraph did most of the time. I get really sad and cranky towards him, and tired of teaching how he needs to deal with me. I want to be spontaneously taken care of sometimes, and not have to teach somebody how to take care of my silly brain.
I feel very lonely right now, and am in need of people that can understand me, just understand, not try to find ways for me to just snap out of it, or look at me like I am a spoiled person. Believe me, the last thing I could be is spoiled considering the kind of life I had growing up. Maybe I could talk about that in another post.
I am getting treated again by the way, for almost a year. I am also doing therapy. Most of the times I am good, but not this last week. Let's say I got sick with something physical, and that is affecting my lifestyle. It is not a serious condition, but it will take a while for me to be all the way better. I know that is why I feel like shit, and it is becoming something so hard to deal with. I can't share how much of a failure I feel right now with anybody because it is so unreasonable. I do share it with my husband, but he is so busy, and forgetful. A day after crying like a baby, and sharing all of my "unreasonable" feelings with him, he leaves me alone to go play with his friends, and have a social life that I can't have right now. I do feel like I am an inconvenience, and that he does not deserve this, but I also need him. I need his affection, and his care. Dying is an easy way out of this. I believe I am not suicidal, I just wish that I would die of some natural cause sometimes.
In the midst of all this, I am happy! I work with what I wanted to work, I have a man that even though is insensitive most of the time has very good character and values, and I have a dog. My dog came into my life about 6 weeks ago. He loves me, and I love him.
